I was completely rude when Jason came over just now to unfix and fix the TV. It was a behaviour that my parents are ashamed of me, particularly my mum. It was a behaviour that I wasn't proud of myself.
But still, I didn't give way to what is expected of me. My indignant and indifference to the situation stood proud and I didn't even take a look at my boyfriend.

"Anything call me." was what I last heard from disheartened him as he left my room,with my eyes and attention fixed to 'The Notebook'.

I know deep in my heart that it wasn't because I was sore over him trying to explain what is what when I tried to unplugged the cable I didn't ask for. I wasn't asking for lessons on what is the cable, the wires and all the technical but I know he was trying to be helpful.
Despite my snappings at him over the phone, he messaged me saying he would come over to fix it.
I told him that he doesn't have to and I don't need another lesson here.

Yet he came over, even with some food (which I can't bothered to find up what they are now) for my family.
You see...Sometimes the kinder he is, it makes me daring to be a meanier person than I am.

I was crying along the lines from 'The Notebook'. You can't imagined how much this one has affected me. I feel like I am Allie and Jason is Lon. Who would be Noah then? I guess my heart has an answer but am I right about it?

Have I been giving this issue too much thinkings that I am about to lose my mind again? Lose my rationale and lose my ability to judge?

Fairness...Fair....To be fair and not, are all I can think about now. I know I need to do something but I don't want to risk it. I don't have the chips to bet on it and I don't want anyone to be hurt.

I was not just being rude and mean. I was totally cruel just now and I do not know why I have the heart to do so. I was partly angry that he chose to come but I know he would,no matter how. His love is kind and he is kind.
I know he doesn't deserved to be treat like this by me but to apologise for it, would somewhat make me feel that I am just pretending to be nice. Pretense is not fair to him. Pretense is not the way to reciprocate his kind love.

You couldn't imagined how I feel just now. I was in my mum's room,sitting on their bed and was absorbed in the story. Suddenly I heard his voice outside and I didn't feel good. Normalcy would be the situation, I come out to greet and thank him for everything.
But I felt irked. I felt again he has done something I didn't asked for and God knows what on earth was I actually feeling angry about?
I know I am not angry that he came or was angry he fixed the cable for me in the first place. I know he is kind, his intentions are. He is kind to me and for my family,his love stays equally kind.

Then I know the answer. I know why I could stand myself being mean to him. I know why I could glared angrily at my mum for a minute when I was trying to ignore the his prescence and trying to immerse myself in the emotions of the story,and she keep reprimanding me non-stop, asking me to go outside to meet Jason.

I just don't wanna to pretend & live up to what is expected of me, as his girlfriend. My parents wouldn't understand what is the emotions are behind my answers.

I missed Jason, little. I wish we could have more time. I wish we could spend more efforts trying to build this up. But now...even if we start, I realised I have stop waiting.

Am I right about this?

Am I right?

Inside I felt an emotion turmoil. I wish the story's been clearer or would Someone up there tell me how should the next paragraph goes,since all these seem like another page of a cruel story?
Or is it that I am not strong and decisive? I know.

Sigh.
I wish I could just run away from here. I crave to be alone for hours,days,months or perhaps beyond till I have got an answer.
But I do not have that ample of time.

For all my rude and meaniness to you, I apologise. I know you don't like to be treat like this and don't deserved to. No one deserves to be treat badly by anyone else, no one has the right to do that. (I always tell others.)
Yet I know becuase you love me, so much...so deeply, that you allow all my bad to rub into you.

I want to right to you. I love you but is our love coincide?

I had wanted to cry again but I wasn't alone in the house.

I know someone else said no matter what, I have a place to turn to. But I know I have no right to go anywhere else. Not now.

I am sorry. I really do. I want to let you know that I really appreciate all the things you have done for me and I really wish I could do you right. I miss our happy times. Despite all the comfort you gave, I know I couldn't give you all. I know you wouldnt mind so long I am here with you.

You just don't know and would you imagine what is tearing me up?